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November 13, 2008


Dear Abby,

For the sake of this post, you, the reader are Abby

I have an interesting conundrum that I could use some expert advise on.

Each year for the past 8 years my husband and I have hosted a lovely cocktail party at our home around the Christmas holidays.

I look forward to this special occasion each year as I love to give parties, it is one of my favorite things to do.

I go through a lot of trouble each year starting with the invitations. I think the invitation is the precursor for the party to come, you know, it sets the tone.


I clearly state on the invitation each year that this is a cocktail party.

(I don't want anyone to be confused that if could be a pool, costume or slumber party)


I always plan the event a bit later in the evening around 7 pm.

And I always state that we will be serving heavy hors d'Å“uvres.

It is a great night for all to dress a bit nicer, have a festive martini and have adult conversation with the friends you only see a few times a year.


The guests are usually family members, neighbors, some key employees and a few very good friends. Usually adding up to 25-40 people.

It never fails though that each year, I am greeted by not only my invited guests, but some of their children also.


Mind you, the kids that come are not "young".

I don't have little toddlers running around, but I do have children at the dining room table picking through the lovely table of food sometimes leaving the chaffing dishes completely empty while the adults are still mingling.


My next lovely vision is of them planting themselves in front of the dessert table and dipping fingers into the beautiful chocolate fountain. I know a chocolate fountain is very tempting, even for adults. But come on!


But don't you think the parents would know better? First off know better than to bring kids to a cocktail party, then by perhaps policing their food intake if they do let them attend?


My children are always instructed to be "out of the way" for this party. They get it and they don't really care. They understand that this is an adult party.


How come some adults themselves don't get this? Should I just NOT invite the offending parties?


Or, should I suck it up and just sigh when I see them at my door on the night of the party? Concede and put out pigs n blankets to keep the kids away from the shrimp cocktail and bacon wrapped scallops.

I hate to do that, because then it is NOT really the party I had envisioned .

I don't want to sound like some mean person who does not like children. I just think there are "kid friendly parties", then there are adult parties.
You would think that parents would love to have a night out with out their kids, Lord knows I do.

Signed,
Hopeless Hostess

19 comments:

  1. Maybe you could say something about adult friendly party or how you know kids would be bored. I dunno. I think a lot of parents are just clueless to what their kids do. sadly. Or offer for them to bring 'a happy meal' for their kids. hint hint! LOL

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  2. dear hopeless hostess: it is your house, your party and you decide. you should not feel intimidated by telling your guests, 'adults only'. just as you give them other info on the invite, e.g. date, time, etc.

    if you want an easy out and there are some people who are particularly dense and have brought their kids before, then tell each of them separately that you are not having children because of the other's kids. they will be sure to understand.
    this sounds like a problem for dear clippy to me.
    must get that mailbag open.
    :-)

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  3. p.s. be careful how you word the 'adults only' part of the invite. LOL
    p.p.s. can I come too?

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  4. How fun!!! I just received an invite with a a simple foil red pineapple on the top and writing..it was so pretty!!! I love invitations!
    -sandy toes

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  5. Well, if addressing the invites to only the adults in the family hasn't worked, then you may have to resort to putting something on the invite about "adults only". People should be respectful of your wishes.

    We were recently invited to a surprise 50th birthday party. We were handed the invite in person, so no "names on the envelope" to see who was really invited. The birthday boy is my son's best friend's dad, so I specifically asked "is this a kid-friendly event or adults only?".

    I agree that there are occasions for both family friendly and adult only. Best of luck.

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  6. Unfortunately you have to SPELL IT OUT for some people. I think "Hopeless Hostess" needs to write, somewhere on the invitation, that the party is for ADULTS ONLY. That may seem crass and harsh, but if she doesn't, children will continue to appear and demolish the heavy hors d'oevres and lap up the chocolate fondue fountain. Unfortunate, but true.

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  7. Dear Hopeless Hostess,
    I am sorry to hear that you have had this problem, but it is very common. People are not always very observant about invitations, nor are they always very considerate about the wishes of others. It might help to state (right on the invitation), "Anyone under 21 will not be admitted; if you have trouble finding a sitter, let us know." You might lose those "friends," however, or you might just lose their company at your party. Another option is to ask people to RSVP (this doesn't always happen, either!), and when they do, remind them of your wishes. You might even follow up with an email or evite, with your request. I can't promise that your guests will all like it, but it's your home and your party.
    Best wishes,
    Abby

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  8. You know, it doesn't matter if you specify it's an Adult Party, there is always someone who thinks their kids are special, and the rules don't apply. I once had an all adult party, and even stated, that since children won't be present, there would be a champagne fountain. When one couple brought there precious preteens, I actually mentioned it was adults only. There reply? Oh, that's ok, they don't drink!
    Be blunt up front, if people are offended, then they can stay home.

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  9. I'm with all the others. There is nothing wrong with putting "adults only" (or something similar) on the invitation. You can surely find a way to make it clear that for the enjoyment of all of the adult guests, children are not welcome. It's an evening for grown-ups to enjoy other grown-ups, and grown-up things. (OK, get your mind out of the gutter!) If it's only one or two families that always cross the line, and if they're friends and/or family (versus aquaintances) maybe the girls would be willing to babysit, especially since they stay away from the party anyway. But, it would have to be at THEIR home, not yours!

    I've have never even considered bringing my son to something I was invited to, unless of course, his name was clearly on the invitation. Even then, I would often opt to leave him with grandma so that I could enjoy myself without constantly having to supervise a child. I'm with you, wouldn't you think they'd want a few hours away from parent duty?

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  10. There is nothing wrong with adding a little line about "Adults Only." It's your party and you should determine the guest list.

    I'm with you--who doesn't want a night out without the kids?

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  11. WOW. I can't believe people would bring children even when you so clearly state it is "cocktail" and adults only.

    In your invitation, you should put a slip of paper in with this blog post address: ). Ask all attenders to read before RSVPing : ). That might do it. Maybe.

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  12. I agree with the others. Put something like this is an adult only party or something like Enjoy an evening out without the kids your invited to my cocktail party. SOmething like that anyway. Good luck!

    P.S. If someone does bring their kids isolate a room with just stuff for them to do.

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  13. Dear Hopeless Hostess,

    Simply state on your invitation that the cocktail party is for adults only, no children please. Underline it. Twice.

    If people are too cheap to hire a baby-sitter for a few evening hours, then they don't deserve a chilled cosmo served with a twist of lemon. Screw 'em!

    Good luck!

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  14. http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2007/07/27/n0-kids-allowed-well-skip-the-party/

    After you read this article, be sure to read the first comment. It's TURE - people are CLUELESS!! Don't be afraid to tell them that KIDS ARE NOT WELCOME at this particular party!

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  15. Kay, Running girl, HWHL,Karenberger, I will have to state, no kids…this will be a tough one for me though.
    Clippy, Yeah, “adult party” funny one…
    Grandma J, You are right, some people are just dense and don’t have any “social sense”
    Chi, you would think people would love a night w/ adults
    Thanks Jenn….it’s my party, my rules.
    Rebeckah, I could not share this blog with most people I know, it would cause some trouble. ;)
    Michelle, Yes, isolate the kids is a good idea. But instead of a room in my house I am thinking more along the lines of the parents car in my driveway. 
    Technodoll…too funny. Yeah, those martini’s are special, for special nights and special people.
    Big Hair Envy. LOVE that. Just wonderful. Thanks for sharing it, where did you ever find it????

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  16. Hola Hostess!

    Just write it to say “You’re cordially invited to our home for our Adult Holiday Party….an opportunity for the grown ups to play before the kids do on Christmas Day!” Either they get the hint, or they get the door smacked in their faces. They choose. :-)

    My invites usually state the following “You are cordially invited to an Adult and Golden Retriever Holiday party at our house!” Dogs are ALWAYS welcome at our house with their humans, just not the kiddie kind. Just kidding!

    Ok, maybe not. :-)

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  17. Maybe you could write something like, "Much Needed ADULTS NIGHT OUT!"

    FWIW, as the guest, I always, always ask if I should get a sitter--even if it's not a cocktail party!

    People! UGH!

    P.S. Can I come? ;-)

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  18. Can you set up an area in the garage for intrusive children? Maybe put twister or a pin the tail on the donkey game in there and keep them sequestered?

    p.s. KBL's comment is awesome.

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  19. Dear Hopeless Hostess- You are in no way "hopeless"... you are a wonderful hostess and you can't even try to pull off this "hopeless" bit! I did get a little nervous as I started out reading- was this going to be about something I did and she just wants to tell me gently? But no, I see that I have not offended you in this way. All I did was marry a man who steals silverware. Yes, I think I am in the clear!! Anyway, I am sorry that some people bring kids. If I had known this all of these years, I wouldn't have stayed home those few times I stayed away because of no sitter!!! But, this just goes to show you that you are not alone: Last weekend the United Arts Council held a fabulous Cabaret Night- $150 a tix fundraiser- and someone brought their kid... and never said BOO. They even stole a chair from another table to squeeze him in. And, as my boss was watching rather closely, she saw that he went to the buffet three times. Hmmm.. the guts some people have!

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