February 27, 2012

The Jerky Girls reeled me in like a sucker fish.

I was at Marshall's, and in the midst of looking for a new blouse that made me look 15lbs lighter, I overheard this conversation in the fitting room.....

The two youngish ladies come in after I was already in my stall.
One was next to me, the other was across the hall/aisle.

Girl #1: Oh my gosh...I love this. It makes my b**bs and belly look like perfection! Ayee!!
Girl #2 : Oh, cool. Hold on a minute, I need to finish getting this on and then I want to see.

Girl #2 enters #1's stall: "Oh wow...that LOOKS great!" followed by a few sentences in spanish....then some spanish mixed with english.
All I could really understand were the words sh*t girlllll over and over.

Now, they are both in the same stall trying on different outfits.
#1 and #2 are giddy, laughing and cussing....mostly in spanish now, with a few english words thrown in for me.
I understand the's mostly cuss words with a lot of 'oh my God's' mixed in.

The laughing, the sh*t girlllll and 'oh my God'ing' goes on for a few minutes.

This is where I start to pay attention:

#2 says to #1: Dang girl, YOU look really really good.

#1 Thanks! I've geen going to this place on The Boulevard! It's super cheap and never crowded!

#2: wow....I need to go where you are going, because YOU have never looked hotter.

me thinking: Wow, she must be working out....sounds like she has some rock hard abs....I wonder WHAT gym she goes too. I want to see this girl when I get some clothes back on.

#1 and #2 keep up with the convo: Yeah, I feel really good...I try to go three nights a week....and four if I can really find the time! It's only 9.99 a month!

Me thinking: Wow, that is really cheap for a gym membership and I live close to the Boulevard! 

#2 says to #1: Dang girl, you keep this up and you will look like Snookie!

Followed by laughter and more spanish/cussing.

Me thinking: What? Snookie? What? Did Snookie just lose a lot of weight and start working out? How did she stop drinking long enough to exercise safely? Is she working out with The Situation?

Then, it dawns on me....#1 has been going to a tanning salon.
Pulled me into this conversation, and it was about a tanning salon.
Stupid jerky tan girls!

I can't wait to see them in 10 years when their faces has fallen off;  Sh*t girlllllllll.

PS. I did find a shirt that made me look thinner. Exactly .2 lbs thinner.
Aye caramba.

February 24, 2012

I'm not irrational.

I don't even have a rash.
Yeah, I say stuff like that.

Yesterday, I was outside watering my plants and I came in with some news for Lindsay.

Hey, Linds, I just saw the teeniest tiniest little baby octopus on top of the pool cage!
Her: What?
Me: Oh, never mind, more than likely it was a spider. 
Her: This is why I think YOU are so weird. 

I'm not weird. I'm imaginative.

Seriously though, we must have a twelve million octopus spiders around our house.
Have I stressed to you all at least twelve million times how scared I am of spiders. I'd rather wrestle an octopus covered with baby oil in a canal surrounded by alligators than be in the vicinity of a spider.

But they are amongst us. Amongst ME.
 And they want to take my life more than anything else.

This morning in the fog, it was even more evident how they are here...and they are going to destroy my life with their little claws.

Mama, I think my eyes are getting old...I can't see so clearly this morning. ~ Cocoa
 And fangs. I've seen fangs.
Our poor flood light, it din't see the fangy clawy spiders coming. Can you believe the spiders ate the top of that poor palm tree?
Well, don't believe just died by itself. Old age I think. Or depression.

If they dare to step their little clawy/fangy selves into my garden, something will be burnt down.

A few months ago, our pest control guy (Captain Obvious) left me a note saying we had a spider problem....and to call if we wanted a spider treatment done on the yard/lanai. 

 I thought about it for 10 seconds, and did not call him.

 About 10 years ago, we were having a spider issue. Specifically a Black Widow issue. They were all over our lanai....making nests under chairs, tables, the kids jungle gym. Yeah, bad. 

So, we had our pest control guy come and do a spider treatment. 
He did a treatment like you would not believe.

Every plant/tree in the area was dead. 
Including our beloved mature 'dropping key limes like it was nobodies business' key lime tree.

The spiders were gone...but it cost us so much in landscaping. So, I am scared. 
Truthfully, I have not seen ANY spiders near these webs/nests. They are invisible, ninja and stealth-like. Lurking at me with their claws and fangs ready. Ready to take me down and make a nest in my hair, procreate in my ears....poop in my nostrils.

I'm a goner.

I'm going to update my will today.

Love to you all, it was nice knowing you.


February 22, 2012

Dirty mind.

How sad is it that I am pining away for one of these?
{uber chic compost tumbler}

I know, I should dream bigger, but seriously, good compost would enrich my life. And my soil. 
My garden would be in dirt heaven. Me too. 

What it all boils down to:  my thoughts are always in the gutter dirt.

February 20, 2012

It started with a blog. It ended with a defeated blogger.

It is a funny little big world this blogging thing is...the people you meet can often be the best sort of people. You know, the 'kind' people. As opposed to the unkind people who want to chop you up into little pieces. I avoid those people at all costs.
A few weeks ago my friend Gary, {the potter} wrote a nice post about little ol' me. Gary is often very complimentary to everyone he likes...and he likes me. I mean, who doesn't, but that is neither here nor there....Gary is one of my favorite people, always kind, humble and NICE.  I find myself saying out loud to friends or family members: You know, my friend Gary, the potter...well yadda yadda...blah blah...and so on. Oh, he has great pottery too...I've purchased a few pieces!

Anyhoo, Gary wrote some nice stuff about me, and one of his readers Claudia, who I had never had the pleasure of knowing before, read the post. In turn she clicked over to my blog and saw my post about the cat Screen. {insert destiny, serendipity, fate, cosmic alignment, etc}

This is NOT the cat that I wanted in the carrier.....if it was HER who I wanted in there, she wouldn't have been in the vicinity.

Claudia, being a smart and very very nice person realized we lived in the same area, and she had a friend who works with feral cats! And guess the heck what happened next?
Oh, you are wrong. :)
She contacted me, and offered to help with the situation.

I KNOW! a-m-a-z-i-n-g!

And guess what else...I've talked to Claudia and she is not even a serial killer. Not even close. She is a flutist! A big hearted cat loving flutist! What are the chances....

I was able to lure Screen into my lair. I mean, my lanai. She will do stuff if you give her food. As soon as she ate, she again hid from me. Little elusive booger.
FYI: we've renamed Screen...she will now be called Sasha Fierce. They won't look at me so strangely at the vet next time. Well, maybe not AS strangely.

Sasha has been on our lanai for a while now, and she has two favorite hiding spots. Behind cabinet area #1 and cabinet area #2. When she is in her hiding spots, I can't reach siree bob.

I got her to the VET!!! She is spayed, and has her necessary shots too! A big hurdle has been jumped.
So, we set up a day/time to meet. I would get her to Claudia, and then she would transport Sasha to the feral cat whisperer.
It was to be on Thursday afternoon. I had a plan. I would leave work, go home and catch Sasha Fierce. I had arranged for Linds to be picked up from school...had it all worked out.  I got a fresh can of  tuna ready. I was nervous...I knew I only had a small window to catch her and drive the hour and a half to meet Claudia; the not serial killer.

I decided to NOT feed Sasha the night before, so she would be hungry. And that was hard for me...withholding food.

This is the carrier to get Sasha from point A to point B. THIS is NOT Sasha, again, if I wanted to take this cat somewhere, she would have been a mile away from the carrier! 

And I sat down with my can of tuna and waited for Sasha to come out from cabinet #1...and I waited and waited. She did not come out.
I then plopped down at cabinet #2....and I waited and waited. She is not coming out.
I am sweating. I am silently cussing. I am frustrated and disappointed.
My window of time is closing in. 
And finally. my window of time was gone.
Defeated by a 3lb cat. 

Did you celebrate VD last week?

I called Claudia and let her know our plan was foiled. Foiled by the elusive Sasha. I had determined that our pool cleaner came, and while the screen door was open Sasha ran away; escaped from my lair. 

Claudia and I agreed that if that happened, then perhaps it was meant to be...she is a wild cat. (which is ok, but I don't want the wild cat living ON TOP OF MY Screen...remember the poop situation?)

So, the saga was over. Done. Finite.

I ended up going to pick up Linds at school, moving through my life as merrily as I usually do. :)
We came home, I walked out to the lanai heading to water my garden and who the heck runs out of the lanai plant beds?

Sasha freakin' Fierce!

Yep, she found another hiding spot. 

And yep, it looks like I have another cat....another cat who doesn't want anything to do with us.  She is not as terrified of the dogs as she was weeks ago...but she is just as scared of humans. I am wondering if something happened to her before she made her way to our home. 


February 17, 2012

Misled by my dreams.

Some, of you are under the impression that I am mostly normal, as well as mostly perfect. And I can understand why....that is the persona that I throw out there.

I hate to break any of those ideas, because they are mostly true. But if I were to be an honest person, which is not a fun person, those ideas are not true. Mostly fiction.  I am not really normal, but in my eyes...that's just perfect. I haven't met a normal person that I liked in forever.

 Me, contemplating deep "what are we having for lunch today and does my butt look bigger today than yesterday?"

Two facts you might not know about me: I always sleep with at least ONE ear plugged and I love chewing sugar free gum during my waking hours.
If I am without a pack of gum, someone will die.

Those two little facts are this entire post.

The ear plugs are for plugging the sound other sleepers. I refer to the ear plugs as marriage savers.
Some nights I sleep with both ears just depends on, well, you know,  how sensitive my hearing is on each particular night.

So, the other night I had a dream that I was craving gum so was like a addict going through meth withdrawals. {I learn this stuff from watching "Intervention"}

In my dream, I found the perfect piece of gum and I plopped it into my mouth. Oh, relief. Joy. Happiness. Pure bliss.

do you know where I am going with this?

Yeah, I pulled out a freakin' ear plug and PUT IT INTO MY MOUTH!

Yes, I was in a deep sleep and YES, this woke me up immediately.

I said to myself: Ewwww.....ear wax!

How weird is that?
Good thing I don't sleep with that can of mace anymore.

This is a lesson that I plan on learning from. I'll remember to never have any of the following near me while I sleep:
laxatives, rat poison, hand grenades, raw eggs, oreos, broken glass, rocks, newborn babies....
Oh, wait, that list will be endless!

Wow, after reading this again, I will be quite embarrassed if I am the only one who has done this. Please tell me that YOU have also mistaken an ear plug for sugarless gum!

FYI: ear wax tastes just as bad as you might imagine. gag.

February 15, 2012

Contemplating life's mysteries

Such as....

"Why did the Mama Lady go bonkers at me this morning? I was merely napping on her'd think that was a bad thing."   ~Ozzie

"I sure wish someone would come and throw a toy for me to run after. Never mind the fact that I never ever bring it back to the throwee...what do they think I am? A retriever for heaven's sakes?"  ~ Cocoa

"Why does this lady keep taking photos of me, and then she refers to me as a 'sour puss' on her blog...and I am the RUDE if...."  ~Maisy

Happy humpday...what are YOU thinking?

February 13, 2012

Moving and Shaking.

It dawned on me recently, that I used to be funnier. This realization stunned me deeply. I pondered over this for days and days. Ok, minutes and seconds. I think I've figured out why I am not so funny anymore; it's my eggs. My eggs are dying and my whoremones  hormones are out of whack, and along with them goes my humor.

It's not documented in any medical books (yet) but I'm pretty sure this is the case with me.

I see my Lady Dr. this week, and I will ask her about it. I'm hoping she can fix me, cause I might be broken.  I think she might be helpful in getting my funny back. I seem to recall this is what helped Stella get her groove back, so watch out people. Or maybe that was some young hot guy for Stella? My darn memory is going as well...


After weeks of prep work {and much cussing and sweating} my garden is DONE. The cussing was over the insane dollar weeds that popped up minutes after I pulled their mangy little roots.

Just call me the garden goddess. Well, dirt goddess might be more like it.
I am so happy and excited, I keep going out there looking at it.
I might sleep in there tonight. Dirt is good for my complexion, no?

I planted cukes, peppers, onions, lettuce, sweet potatoes and tomatoes. I have 18 tomato plants in the garden and 6 more in pots on the lanai. Does that make me a tomato hoarder? I should search for a T.A meeting this week, but who has the time?

Plus, all these babies need to find a home as well. Free baby plants to a good home!! Could I do anything in life without a critter getting in the middle of it? Check out that Kanga pouch!
I'm feeling better today than I was last week. But with these mood swings, who knows what the next moment will bring. Hmmmm. I'm kinda in the mood to watch Mommy Dearest  or The Terminator. 
But I have much to sitting around watching comedies today.

We are starting another renovation today; the playroom.  I'll share with you peeps later. Oh, and the screen kitten; news on the kitten too!

How was your weekend? Did you find yourself covered in dirt and sweat at anytime?

February 08, 2012

Finding moments in minutes

I feel so behind. I feel sooooo deeply behind in most everything and I can't even pin-point why. Working part-time? Trying to be more organized? (as if?) Getting my garden going? Dr.'s Appointments? The feral cat? Car stuff? House stuff? The never ending laundry?  (I swear the neighbors must be bringing their laundry too)

I do feel like a neglectful blogger.  My reader is full of stuff to read...and as I try to fit in a read here, and a read there, the number keeps going up.

The news on the cat front is good. FOR.THE.CAT.
{Have I mentioned before that I didn't want any more cats? Ever?}
How often can you see a cat on the underside? Hopefully not often. 
All 2.8lbs of her.

I have some other stuff on my mind too. A very scary moment and then the sigh of relief; thankfulness. Made me not even complain about this stupid little cold I have.

I hope you are all doing well...I'm trying to keep up as best as I can.

Isn't it lovely when have someone to lean on?


February 06, 2012

Flexing my botanical muscles.

This post is full of pictures and a few words too!

Last weekend our friends Kelly and Don (far left) came over from the East Coast for some merriment. 
Dinner, drinks and a concert (Zack Brown Band!) on Friday night with Joe and Tiff too.

We had too much fun!!!

How do you know you had too much fun? Sadly, you don't usually realize it until the next morning. 

The boys left for a car show on Saturday and Kelly and I hit the garden center! And not even the depot or lowes-t place....we did the exotic place that charge$ more! (but they have a better variety!)

Kelly is my go-to girl for all things own personal Martha Stewart. But without the 'better than you attitude' and criminal record. 

Remember all those apothecary jars from Christmas? Of course you do!
They (and some others) were the recipients of an update!

Our potting table. 
 Mmmmm succulents!
 We added some pretty rocks to the bottom and then filled the jars with sphagnum moss...then we plopped in the plant with it's soil.
 Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

This baby went in our bathroom. 'Four Seasons' fancy. 
Now, when I shower, I start shouting orders to my non-existent maids.  They don't listen very well,  so I fired them all. 

These three cuties adorn the dining room table. 
 Doesn't this one look like a head of hair? Nice and full I'd say!

 We purchased these two little jars at Michaels. One of them sits on our kitchen bar and the other on our coffee table. It watches me drink my coffee. 
 This little succulent goes in the guest bath. I love him!
I've been keeping the plants moist by dropping an ice cube in every few far they love it here...and who the heck wouldn't? Well, those maids didn't like it so much with all my yelling....

How was YOUR weekend? 
We've put our a/c on all this weekend. What the hey? Our heater has only run 3 nights since last winter. 
I think Al Gore knew what he was talking about. And that is inconvenient!!!

Happy Monday!

February 01, 2012

The hairy little booger....

is alluding me.
Screen..what am I going to do with you? Living up there in your penthouse....pooping in your penthouse!

I went to domestic animal services this weekend and they let me borrow a {humane} cat trap to catch the little booger. They said after I caught it, to call and they would come and pick it up.....and I had to ask: What will you do with it? Will it be adopted?
The reply? No,  'Mrs. optimistic who wants to save the world', most likely it would be euthanized.
She didn't actually say that...but I know she was thinking it!

Oy. My heart. My big palpitating heart dropped. I wish nothing bad for this little guy/gal. And I can't live with myself if this were the outcome. Yes, I am pro-choice....but this kitty wasn't given a choice.

I spoke with a volunteer group who specializes in feral cats. They were so appreciative of my efforts and of feeding it...but they have NO room for anymore cats.

So, I had another plan. Use the trap, catch the little squatter, take him to a vet who will spay/neuter it for $50 bucks. They do this to keep the feral cat population to a minimum. Its a brilliant idea.

Yeah, brilliant, if the squatter actually makes the trap close. Screen ate the tuna {albacore in spring water no less}
But the trap did not close. Perhaps Screen is TOO small..weighs too little?

{I closed the trap prior to a certain boxer getting it's head stuck trying to find some tuna remnants!}

I dreamt last night that I caught Screen, and as I approached the trap, Scree turned into a full grown woman who was feral. Yeah, I had my hands full with her about a hot mess!