That post title has very little to do with my thoughts today...but it was stuck in my head just the same. So it stays.
Recently, a good friend of mine being funny said to my girls: (as she was working on her pc)
"Have a secretary, don't be a secretary."
I laughed when she said this (because I once was an admin. asst.) and I spouted out:
"Have a housekeeper, don't be a housekeeper."
Which was ironic because at the moment I was cleaning the kitchen.
And I am the keeper of our house.
A stay at home Mom (or Dad) is, in a sense, a housekeeper. I keep house. I keep my family. I keep my husband. I keep everything. I am the keeper of all things.
There have been times in the last 14 years that I second guessed this choice I made.
Usually it is because of outside influences: Friends that would never dream of quitting a career to stay at home; the crappy media; and perhaps just people who allude that perhaps I sit around eating bon bons all day watching soap operas. (I have never eaten a bon bon and I gave up soaps 14 years ago. )
I suppose too, that the UPSIDE to all that is that I have always had positive thoughts and comments from the people that matter the MOST: Coach, my Mom, my In-laws.
For a few years, this stay at home mom did not seem to be home much. Once the kids were in school, so was I.
I volunteered many hours a week. Chaired many committees on the PTA, arranged field trips and class parties.
I led a very active girl scout troop and provided great memories for countless girls.
When I would run into the naysayers, I would get this: "wow, you are doing soooo much stuff, it must be nice to have so much time on your hands."
WHAT? I never got that. If I put my time to good use...then it was because I had an excess of time? HUH???
I never, ever judged any parent that chose working over being at home....but it seemed that I was being judged. Not always, but sometimes.
Then I wonder. Why do I care what others think? really. I. should. not. care.
I have had some part time jobs since the girls started school.....and none of them fulfilled me as much as being at home.
Sure, it is great to be able to tell people when they ask that YES, I am working. But, when I am at home, I sure as heck seem to be working too. (okay, a bit of blogging too:))
We have a beautiful house, and it seems to be on steroids. It is a full time job to take care of. When I was working the part time jobs, everyone felt it here. Things did not roll as nicely. Laundry was piling up, dinner was not planned as well, groceries were scarce, Dr. appts were delayed, I was stressed......So maybe, being at home is just MORE convenient to my kids, husband, animals, me?
I don't know....I suppose I still feel guilty that I had the choice to work outside the home or not.
In the beginning it was tough going from 2 incomes to one.
I went to the store w/ coupons and a calculator. Then for a while, the living was easy....and I could buy what we needed and wanted.
Now, getting back to the coupons and the calculator makes me rethink things......
Not looking for any brilliant answers or ideas....just me spouting out thoughts. ;)
I am sure I am not the only person who feels or has felt this way.
Anyone else ever struggle with the choices you have made?
Sure I struggle with choices all the time...some times they seem Perfect for the moment..the next month..I question them every minute! Sometimes I guess we have too many choices:)!
ReplyDelete-sandy toe
I think every mother struggles with this, honey. I've always worked, because we've always needed my income. I had a couple of friends look at my decision to work as a "flaw" - as though I was less of a mother and that I was putting my children second. (And that really hurt.)
ReplyDeleteBut I'm also acutely aware that my kids will only be kids so long, which is one of the reasons I started my home based business. And now that it has failed and I have to return to a traditional corporate job, it just makes me want to THROW UP.
Really, there's almost no perfect situation. Unless a woman has a husband who makes a fortune, and she feels 100% satisfied staying at home, there is always going to be a certain measure of guilt/stress/self-doubt about one's choices.
We mommies just have to deal with that. And it's unfortunate.
BUT, it certainly hasn't prevented me from being a Damn Good Mommy to my kids. And I've made sure they've had a really good childhood. We do a whole lots of family stuff together.... I'm not one of those moms who over-schedules their time. We have LOTS of family time - I really think that is critical.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents.
You gotta follow your gut, pray a lot, and ask God to fill in the areas where you may be lacking.
There's certainly no perfect way.... being a mom is hard work, and there is ALWAYS guilt. If you stay at home, you
For a lot of years, I was chief housekeeper, cook, laundress, and everything else that entails. People always seemed to make derogatory comments, especially given that we had no children so I wasn't even a "stay at home mom". It hurt but that was a choice that we made.
ReplyDeleteNow I do have a job other than being a wife but I still work at home. People seem to think less of my work because it's not done in an office.
Girl, this is the age-old dilemma of all women, isn't it? Those that work in the home vs. those that work outside of the home. I don't understand those that judge. I suppose I get to see both sides, on some level, because I get that handful of weeks off in the summer (not NEARLY enough weeks, in my opinion!) I sometimes wonder how different my life would have been if didn't have to do it on my own all this time. My son was literally a baby when I threw CSJ out, so I had no choice but to work. It kills me when I think of all the things I missed while he was growing up. I get some comfort in knowing that at least he was with my mom, or CSJ, and not with a 'stranger' at daycare.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I would never for a moment think that moms that work in the home have it at all easier than I did. First of all, I've never done it for more than a couple months at a time, so I really have no idea. And, when I'm home, it's summer vacation time, so there aren't any 'school' things to do (like PTA, etc.) It's pretty much all play time!
I'm in no position to to judge the decisions that other people make. I've always believed that people make the best decision based on their own family's needs. Everyone wants to do what's best for their family.
I have to give you a bloggy high-five for mentioning "wow, you are doing soooo much stuff, it must be nice to have so much time on your hands." Um, HELLO!!!? I work three freakin' jobs, and raise a teenager! How much freakin' time do you think I really have? I do all the "extra" things (vice president of Parents' Club, plan fundraisers, etc.) because I'm the MOM! People who say stuff like that make me want to punch them in their BIG MOUTHS!! OK, sorry, this is your blog, I'll save my rants for mine! ;-)
WOW, this comment is waayy too long, sorry! But, you started it! ;-)
I really never struggled with being a mostly SAHM--but I have worked 5-8 hours one day/night a week since the beginning of having kids. It was perfect for us because I felt it was so important for my husband to cook the dinner, give the baths, etc. at least once a week.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you about the busy part--I think I was way busier than a lot of WOHMs when the kids were in elementary school.
I have to say, being a SAHM is indeed a luxury for those who never had that choice. I had to work, no choice...none, zip. Some stay at home moms are very productive, but not all. I had to work and missed out on tons of games and recitals, and that saddened me. There were other parents who missed those same games and recitals "just because", and not because they had to work.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a choice, it would have been to stay at home and do all the stuff moms do like volunteer in classrooms, scouts and more. I think some people envy the mothers who get to work their butts off at home...because it is a big job, but also one that is the envy of those who don't have the choice.
So there you have it, Grandma J rambling on about nonsense again. Lord, I have so much fun doing it! :))
Wow---great thoughts, Suz.. Unluckily, I never had the choice to stay at home. I always worked fulltime outside of the home. NO choice!!!!! My husband at the time never made much money. For me, it worked, and I did enjoy working. AND--to be honest, I felt that some of my stay-at-home friends judged ME for having to work.. So I guess my story worked in reverse of yours.
ReplyDeleteIt takes all kinds of people to make up this world. As a working Mom, I had to make quality time for my sons. I didn't have much of a life for ME. But--as I said, I just did it because I had to. Now--as I look back, I am glad that I did what I did, and it worked out in my situation!!!
The key is that there are people (and of course the media) who criticize those of us who are or were working Mamas, telling us that, because we worked, our children had more problems. NOT TRUE! AND there were others who criticized the 'stay-at-home' Moms (who also work very very hard incidentally) for making that decision. We ALL (and the world) should quit judging each other--and just realize that we do what we want to do and sometimes, what we have to do. Being the best parent that we can --despite the circumstances-- is what is important!!!
Nuff said --although I could go on and on!!!!
Hugs,
Betsy
If you could ever achieve a proper balance, let me know and I will nominate you for a Nobel prize.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the kind words at authorblog. Don't make yourself a stranger there as David writes an excellent blog.
I could never understand why people (both men and women) feel that stay at home moms have lots of time on their hands. I guess they all have homes that run themselves. It must be nice.
ReplyDeleteSo you mean you aren't just laying around sipping on wine all day? Gee, that's what I thought you did....lol...all kidding aside, I think your post brings up what many of us women feel...just reading the comments, with everything people had to say shows that.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with these issues but for the most part, I know deep in my heart, I am doing what I'm suppose to be doing and what works for us in our family. The second, I start to give thoughts(like allow myself to get upset or question myself) to comments other people make in regards to my life(working, not working), then I open the door to confusion, anxiety and doubt. I've learned over the years to just stop and say "Nope, I'm not giving the power of my or my families happiness over to people that don't live in our shoes."
I cannot imagine saying anything to anyone about their working or not working choices. It's not of my business. I know people that work hard every day that stay at home and I also know those that are quite the opposite...they are lazy, they don't even really spend time with their kids and they get nothing done but watching tv, computor...but whatever, I still wouldn't say anything to them.
I also know people that work hard outside the home as well as in the home because they have to and I also know those that choose to work because they couldn't stand to be at home all day. My whole point is this, whatever it is, that we each choose to do, it not anybody elses business. The happiest people and families that I know, are those that are doing what works for them.
By the sounds of it, you are doing what you love, what your happy doing, what you feel called to do and your husband and children support this and you as a family whole function in a happy, healthy, balanced manner. If for some reason, that stops working for you, you will figure out how to make it work with whatever changes you make.
I think your normal to second guess...we all do it but what feels right and works for you is what you gotta go with. Be true to your heart and you won't go wrong!
When it comes right down to it, it is a personal choice for everyone, and nobody should ever judge anyone else about it!
ReplyDeletewow- it is clear that you have touched on a subject that people are passionate about.I am with 74 wixy grad on this one- if anyone does manage to find the perfect mix, they should get the nobel prize.
ReplyDeleteI have always worked since teenager was born, because we had our own business. I have always struggled with wondering if I am getting the right balance. I think it is easy to perceive others as criticing the choices we have made, but it is probably a projection of our own anxiety about it.
I have to say I always like to get to work for a rest after being at home- I find it exhausting.
yeah, ditto all of the above.
ReplyDeletei think the most important thing is the memories you make with the kids, as they will have them the rest of their lives. we all feel guilt whether we work in or out of the home.
GUILT. the 4 letter word begining with G.
no matter what we do, we will feel it. so i say, follow your heart and do what needs doing.
but when the time is with the family, truly be there 100% mind and soul. it means little when you are physically there but mentally elsewhere. all in all, most of us work our asses off and if you can keep your household manageable and running, THAT is a full time job. work is work is work. keeping a home running is no less important than keeping an office running or whatever. each requires perseverance, thought and organization... and always being one step ahead in needs.
i treasure my time at home, and i love the job i have, the two are what makes me complete.
C
jeez: i posted here yesterday but i don't know what happened, then i tried again and same thing.
ReplyDeletegood comments too LOL
i just wanted to say that you should be proud of who you are and the fact that you and your husband are a team. he does his part and you do yours and it looks like it works really well for your family. so who cares what other people think or say? they're probably jealous that you have the freedom to do it right now. I know if i did i'd give up my job in a flash.
keep on doing what you do so well.
:-)
Everybody has a different life perspective. From choices we have made and choices that have been made for us.
ReplyDeleteI'm the friend who made the comment...about secretaries. I have been one and I have had one. I wasnt a very good one - I was never able to hone my skills. I envyed the secretaries in the office who had mad skills. Organized, multi-taskers, efficient...that's not me. I did however figure out I had other skills and I went with that and succeeded. Thankfully. I travelled, made alot of money, received accolades.
Yet, the choices that were made for me, the ones I can't control still haunt me...not being able to have children, and loosing my father before he was able to see the opportunities I was given - these still bother me.
So I try and remember to appreciate what you have and not what you think you missed. It's the people not the things. Don't be dissatisfied, be grateful - for all of it.
I always say I would LOVE to be one, but then sometimes, I really think I couldn't NOT do my job. I just love knowing that every day I get to (hopefully) make a difference in the life of a child. And my own child...well, I try to make a difference in his life every day too.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom stayed home with my sister and brother and me. I loved it. She thinks that is the only way to go. Before I had Gary it wasn't an option as I was a single parent(of course my WAY COOL parents helped me all the time!) Now that we have Gary he says it is not an option. We'll see what happens when the new baby comes : ). Oh wait....there is no new baby.
I think that some Stay at Home Moms are grand : )And, I think lots of working moms are grand too. When it all comes down to it, at the end of the day, do you love your kids? I think that is the most important thing. Loving them mightily!
I completely agree with you - except I am on the other side of the coin. When it was not an option it seemed to be "OK" with everyone else - but once Kenyon's business took off and I didn't have to work - the guilt set in as well as judgements from other people that I chose to work instead of staying home and raising my child. I AM raising him - he spends a total of 24 hours a week at a preschool. It's good for him and good for me.
ReplyDeleteI dream of staying home and being a housewife... sigh. Been there, done that, LOVED it. But times are rough and we need the two incomes in order to buy the house of our dreams so in the meantime... it's on ice.
ReplyDeleteBut one day... one day :-)
The reason they think you have sooo much time on your hands is because they think you have a chef, housekeeper, nanny, gardener, taxi driver, and other various people that a 2nd income can provide. Once you go from 2 incomes to 1, all those jobs go to YOU. Keep up the good fight, Suz, homes like yours are hard to find these days and to "you know where" with the media and the like. It's them and their ilk that family values have gone down the toliet with the cleaner.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you find that "extra time", let me know, I'm still looking for it. It sure as heck isn't hiding out in MY home.
I quit working full-time when my first baby (David) was born. I worked 2 days a week for 8 years after that, until I felt we could cope on one income. As you say, now we, too, are looking at ways to economize; if that isn't enough, I may need to get a job that earns money. So when finances get tight, I do question our decision.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER>>>
I love being a homemaker, and I (oddly) love it more now that I am the housecleaner, too! I have put more intentionality into the job lately, and it is more rewarding that way; it's a privilege and a blessing to have this job. It blesses each member of our household in various ways. It's a wonderful thing, to be qualified for a number of jobs, and being a homemaker requires a great variety of skills. Oh, and I don't eat bonbons or watch daytime TV, either! Love from up in the cold North!
I was able to go part time a couple of years ago and I wonder now how in the world I did everything I did when I worked full time! People need to mind their own business about 95% of the time and take a good look at their own lives before they pass judgement. What works for one doesn't work for all!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a subject everyone is very opinionated on, and it's sort of sad that people can be so judgmental. You had the desire and the ability to stay home with your kids, and you did so...that's what was right for you, and your family, and it anyone elses business. It's so easy to pass judgment, but no one can fully understand the situation another has, even if they THINK they know everything, there's probably a lot going on they don't know. You can only do what's right for you...
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