Wishes Won't Wash Dishes.

That is one of my all time favorite phrases. It is the plain truth.

You know what else is true? Wishes won't make someone gay either.....

The results of my massage this past Friday: Ugghhhh.

Have you ever had a massage by a man?

A man that you did not exchange vows with? Or a man that didn’t at least buy you dinner first?

Strange.

Don't count your significant other, even if you had to pay them for the massage.

Very strange.

I was shocked when I walked into the salon and my masseuse came out with a beard. Not that kind of beard either. The kind that grows on a man's face.

I was expecting Roberta and I got Robert.

After he had me strip down to my birthday suit (not on my birthday either, of course he left the room while I did my stripping)….He informed me that he liked to really work the glutes, abs and pecs.

I laughed and told him he should not assume that everyone has glutes, abs or pecs.

I tried to convince myself that he was gay the entire time, even though his wife told me he was not.

As I had my massage, and as I was still convincing myself he was gay…so gay in fact that I swear I saw his G.L.A.D.D. membership card on the table in the massage room. Really, I could see it next to his Barbra Streisand CD along with his signed picture of Barry Manilow. (I am not a fanilow. Are you?)

I was a bit uncomfortable to say the least. But I kept chanting in my head: “He is gay. He is gay. He is gay”

I did finally relax after I convinced myself that none of my parts were going to fall out and expose me. I don't care if a gay man sees my parts. I don't think he will judge. Will he? Nahhhh.

Next time, I will request a female, who will certainly not be gay.

R is for….

A ridiculous amount of words.

Really, the R’s are readily rampant.

My favorite R’s are:

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

You recognized that I repeatedly reported this, recently and resoundingly.

What could be reason to romp? ONE recycle bin!!

Even better? TWO recycle bins. I was rejoicing when I received #2!!

Refrain from rousing me. Really.

Lo was throwing out R words for me as I typed this…and my retinas were really racing……

Why not start a revolution; a rift. Are you a ringleader in your own revolution?

Rejoice at the resounding affect you have on your reputation. A roast for rising real roadblocks, readily reserving only really radical reasons to react raunchy, randy or rad.

I thought of my really young residents, they can realistically become residents in retirement residencies, that is the reality of real life.What a RIP-off.

After review, I should rewrite. But I refuse. Refrain from ridicule. I am just being rowdy. Really rowdy, rebellious and rad. While I am not renown for my rants…this has been on reluctant reserve.

I am sure other people who completed the R words, have a much richer rhyme or rhetoric than moi. Go check them out at: A-Z mondays!

The Day I lost my Flippin’ Mind

In honor of Mother’s day, a repost….. Last weekend my mom complained said to me that she was disappointed that I did not post anything on the weekend….so, for my Mama here is this ol’ post from October:

It started off as a typical weekend day.
I slept in.
I had my cup of coffee.
Checked on the girls, they were being typical as well.
One on the couch watching TV, one on the computer watching You Tube.
I made our bed. Coach left a few hours earlier for softball practice.

I went out to the back yard and fiddled with my compost.
I found several ant piles en route and went back and treated them.
I cleaned the guest bathroom.

I sent the girls to their rooms to clean.
I took the dogs out to the driveway to run a bit.

That was right before I started to lose my mind.
I heard something down the street. I knew what I heard. But I was not sure it was real.
It was a sound that I had not heard in a hundred years.

My heart started beating fast.

I was getting a weird feeling in my head. In my hands and feet too.

It was not right. I was losing it.
I had to get the girls' attention.
I could not even be bothered with going back into the garage, through the mudroom door to get them. I needed them NOW.

I started calling for them from the yard. Lo.....Linds!!!!!
I ran to Lindsay's window and started banging, screaming her name. LINDSAY!!!!
The dogs looked at me like I was a crazy person. And I was.
Linds pulled the blinds back and looked at me like I was a crazy person. Because I was.
I screamed to her through the window:
THE ICE CREAM MAN IS COMING!!!!!!
She pursed her lips and said: You are lying.
I screamed through the window:
No, I am not, he is really coming...he is coming down the street!!!
Get out here NOOOOOOWWWW!!!
In a flash, she came out the garage with my wallet in hand.
I suppose she believed me now.
Then, I looked at her and remembered her Sister had been fooling around with a flute earlier...maybe that was what I was hearing.

Was I overreacting?
Am I really hearing the ice cream truck???

I asked Linds this...she said she can hear it too.
She started jogging down the driveway and then stopped....

This is when she realized she still had on her Hello Kitty boxer shorts and decided to change.

I almost lost it then.... I shouted: THERE IS NO TIME FOR CHANGING!!!!!
She ran back into the house.

I just knew she was going to miss this golden opportunity.
It was as if I had injected with a shot of adrenaline. I was a crazy person.

I started yelling into the house....Run Run, Hurry up, Run Linds, HUUUUURRYYY !!!!!!

By now Lauren came out and looked at me like a crazy person too.
I said to Lo:
Hurry and run down to the street and get an ice cream.
The ice cream man is commmmmmming!!!

She Just stared at me, kinda scared at this point. She did not want to go.
Linds came out and I could just see the front of the ice cream VAN coming into view.
I told her to run down there before it passes byyyyy !!!

You would have thought the ice cream man was giving away money, or even baby dolphins the way I reacted to his arrival...

She Ran down opened the gate and met the ice cream man in the street.
I had such a huge grin on my face by now, but my blood pressure was still very high.
I ran into the house for the camera. Knowing that this may never happen again.
The person driving the van saw me taking the pictures and most likely thought I was a crazy person too.

That is ok. I am alright with being a crazy person by now.

Lindsay came back in and we had a good 15 minute laugh about the whole thing.

I came to my senses and realized what a kook I am. This made me laugh all the more....

You see, we don't ever have an ice cream truck here. We live in a semi-rural area.
They just don't come around.
Or, if they do, we may be inside and we would never hear them coming.

Later on, after the incident Lauren said she thought someone was breaking into the house and I was telling Lindsay to run for her life.

Lindsay told me that the neighbors must think that I am insane.
She said I made it sound like someone was chasing her down the street with a knife.
Because I was telling her to run run run.

I explained to the kids that as a child we had the icecream truck coming by all the time...we could hear it blocks away.

Of course we could not hear our parents in the next room telling us to do something, but that truck...that truck was music to our ears.

Then it dawned on me. I wanted an ice cream and in all the craziness, I did not get one.
I called Coach and asked him to pick me up a push-up pop on his way home.
He did.

No questions asked. (that is a good husband)

If there was ever a thought that I was a normal person, well that is out the window with this little incident.

What makes you go loco?

Have a great Mother’s Day…and try not to lose your mind. Ok?

TGIF, Mama's Day and I am Done with playing in the DIRT!!!!

Maybe. Sorta.

I finished another bed yesterday....And a little bit of loose ends this morning.

I won't post pictures cause I am starting to bore even myself... There is one more area I have my eye on, but I am going to try really really hard not to mess with it. At least until the fall. We'll see.

I need Gardeners Anonymous. Or maybe a paying job. Or a crisis.

No, scratch that crisis part.

We just ordered 20 small crape myrtle trees.... mail order. How weird is that?
I have been hatching a plan to block my neighbor behind us. His 2.5 acres backs up to our 2.5 acres. And lately, he has been collecting some crap at the back of his property. Which is becoming an eyesore for me! Hopefully the trees will help. They are fast growing and still, will take a few years, but time is on my side..isn't it? The rolling stones think so.

I added another Cafe' for my birds. They seem to like it, but I have yet to see a thank you note anywhere...hello?? manners???

And to think I was contemplating getting a nice bird bath for them....well, I still might anyway. Sucker.

I brought home the feeder and a 20lb bag of bird seed the other night. I left them in the driveway with my bags of mulch and some new plants. (BTW: I've spread 97 bags of mulch. Oh, my back!) Cocoa and Ozzie were running around the yard and would not come in this particular night...I knew something was up. I found the devil dogs. They Cocoa drug that 20lb bag of bird seed about 40 feet into the grass and were trying to eat it!!!

Guilty as CHARGED!!! Beatings for everyone!!!!

I feel like I have been working my butt off....but lo and behold each time I look in the mirror that butt is still there.....just mocking me!!

I actually weighed myself and it appears I have lost 2lbs. But then again, that was before lunch. **Oh, snap**

Why do yo suppose that with 2 1/2 acres of nice grass and clean concrete he insists on laying in the moist dirt where I am working????? OZZIE!!!!

Shortly after I took this picture I found out the hard way that both my camera and cell phone are waterproof!!!

**mental note: make sure electronic items are moved away from sprinklers**

The post I wrote yesterday with people getting things stuck....wow, you folks have silly families just like Moi!!

I think we should combine all our freak accidents and make a new show:

"I got this stuck here."

Does anyone have the number to NBC? ABC? Fox?

anyone?

Ahhhh Mother's Day weekend...at last a day for me to be spoiled rotten.

Ok, so I have the rotten part down, now ON with the SPOILING!!! :)

Not sure what we are doing. Coach has asked me few times what I want to do....I never know!! Maybe brunch? A movie? Someone else finishing up the yard work??? hmmmm.... He told me he had a gift in mind for me, but it would be something I could NOT return if I did not like it....I am thinking it may be an adopted orphan from Africa.

But you can return those, can't you? If you have a receipt?

I am going today to have a massage. Finally. I have been putting it off like a gyno appointment. Not sure why...I have a gift certificate from my love from Valentines day.....2008!!!! I am lucky the place is still in business.

Happy Friday Everyone!!

Have a nice Mother's day with yourself or your Mom or your hairy pet.

(If you have a hairless pet, I feel for you)

I love you Mom!!!

I wish for everyone a pleasant weekend with family, fun and a little bit of spoiling of yourself!!!